MLB Division Realignment Brings Tears To My Eyes

Obviously everybody is chomping at the bit to get the MLB season going and the new division realignments that were proposed by the MLB this past week really garnered a lot of buzz.

The structure of the new proposed system includes three divisions from both the Grapefruit and Cactus Leagues, the Grapefruit being in Florida and the Cactus being in Arizona.

Now, being a Pirates fan and a Pittsburgh native, my initial reaction to the Pirates new competition was as follows:

When you look at the Grapefruit North Division you see: the Yankees, the obvious favorite, the Phillies, a solid contender, the Blue Jays, a rebuilder on the rise, the Tigers, a dumpster fire, and of course our Battlin Bucs, a team we all wish could actually do something to improve for once.

Now, the possibility of this realignment happening is still up in the air as well as the season as a whole. The thought of facing new teams instead of the same NL Central foes would be a pretty unique thing to see right? New faces, new rivals, and a new dynamic! Sign me up! But wait a second. This new division has a special feature called “Let's take a trip down memory lane!” This all-expense-paid trip allows the Pirate fan to experience the nostalgia of constantly seeing the former Pirate player blossom in another organization. Even when we all think we might be seeing some new faces come summertime, being a Pirate fan will not allow this. This trip might bring back a sense of euphoria for some, but for myself it allows me to reminisce on the constant defeat that our organization has been enduring for years.

This division features the Yankees and a new clean-shaven Gerrit Cole. Now, of course, this Gerrit Cole is new and reborn, finally showing that he can throw 101 into the 8th inning, a style of pitching that works quite well for him and differs completely from the Uncle Ray Searage philosophy of pitching to contact, which essentially ruined Cole’s tenure as a Pirate. Wow, I never would have thought that this former 1st overall selection that features a 6’4 225-pound frame with perfect mechanics, would actually turn into the recreation of Roger Clemens… oh wait he could have, but of course, the Pirates ruined that like everything they touch. Can’t wait to watch him set down Guillermo Heredia with gas on the hands three times every game throughout the course of division play!

The Phillies, who are basically the 2013-2014 Pirates reincarnated feature names like Andrew McCutchen, Josh Harrison, Neil Walker, and Francisco Liriano. Now, of course, other than Cutch, all of these guys are washed up so they might not even make the 40-Man roster. With the Pirates luck though, Neil Walker and J-Hay will be pimping 450-foot bombs off of the likeness of Dovydas Neverauskus and Montana DuRapau because for some reason these Jugg’s machines have not been DFA’d. Liriano of course, who had a solid season out of the pen last year for the Bucs, will be throwing 55-foot changeups and making some bum like Socrates Brito look like a newborn fawn.

Moving onto the Blue Jays, there actually aren’t many former faces that Pirates fans are used to seeing, this is due to the fact that Reece McGuire, a former top catching prospect for the Bucs, was traded along with Francisco Liriano in a cap dump, orchestrated by Bob Nutting before he could ever make an appearance in the black and gold, during the 2016 season. Let us not forget T.J Zeuch, the former University of Pittsburgh standout, who was taken 21st overall in the 2016 MLB Draft, one pick before the Pirates….that hurts. Both young players still have potential and seeing them in the new division could paint a picture of what could have been for the Pirates. Of course, this is just one of the “what could have been” moments we have seen time and time again for this basement-dwelling organization…. (Reynolds, Marte, and Meadows could have been one of the best outfields in Baseball… just a reminder.)

And finally moving onto the Tigers. Now let's keep in mind that the Tigers are awful and T-Smitty’s Aspinwall 12-year-old All-Star team could take this team out behind the shed. The roster features Ivan Nova, a once fixed project by Uncle Ray Searage, who eventually got money thrown his way for some godforsaken reason by Pirates management, and thus turned into one of the rust-covered pitching machines at the North Park Batting Cages. Jordy “Mercer Mercer Me” Mercer, who was beloved by Pirates fan’s, is a nonroster invitee for the Tigers, and really shouldn't pose much of a threat, somehow he will revitalize his career… don't ask me how but he will. I promise. The Tigers also feature outfielder Jacoby Jones, a former Pirates draft pick from LSU. Of course, we never got to see Jacoby play for the Pirates considering he was traded for Joakim Soria in 2015 and this was actually a solid trade given Soria’s effectiveness down the stretch. Too bad we started Sean-Rod at First Base and Gerrit Cole gave up a piss missile Grand Slam to Kyle Schwarber in the wild card game, thus making this trade irrelevant.

It has become evident over the years that no matter how far we travel away from our past as Pirates fans, our former players always bite us in the ass. Whether it was Jose Bautista becoming one of the best power hitters the game has seen in the past 10 years, or Charlie Morton and Daniel Hudson both recording the final out in the 2017 and 2019 World Series, our former players always thrive outside of Pittsburgh right before our eyes.

So as we embark on this new journey into the possibility of a new division, keep this article in mind. Always check the opposing team's roster, no matter how unfamiliar we may be with that said team because no matter how washed up the former Pirate is, chances are, somehow, someway, he will find a way to re-open the never healing wound of the Pirates unfortunate past, whether it be through his play or just the simple mention of his nostalgic name.